Monthly Archives: April 2016

I’ve Still Got It (Don’t I?)

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Some days are just so much better than others.  Some days are for staying in bed and avoiding the rest of the world at all costs.  Sure.  Those happen.  They’re usually referred to as weekdays.  But then some days are for singing at the top of your lungs in the car and not worrying about the person next to you at the stop light staring at you with a smirk on his face.  And this is coming from the guy who was massively embarrassed to be voted “Most Easily Embarassed” in high school…  Ironic, huh?  But when the German version of Nina’s 99 Luftballons comes on, you just have to sing along, even if you don’t know a stitch of German and are just making random noises until the chorus comes back around.

I’m a pretty impressive dancer too, as long as I’m not observed and I stay seated.  So I guess you could call me a double threat when I’m driving.  A triple threat if you add in my driving skills.

A number of years ago (you know…once upon a time…) I went out with some co-workers on a Friday night, thinking we were just going to hang out at a bar, have a few drinks, listen to some music and recover from a long week.  However… (You know what?  If I ever have a biography written about my life, that’s going to be the title.  However…  I think it fits perfectly.)

But back to the point…  Instead of a relaxing night out, I was being set up with a friend of a friend.  It happens.  People try to set their friends up and see what crazy thing happens.  It’s usually painful and awkward for those involved.  But at least it makes for some great stories.  And, in this case, that’s all it made for.

The club we went to was loud and packed, but somehow we managed to luck into a table where we could sit and comfortably watch the people around us.  Or so I thought… When a few of our group got up and headed over to the dance floor, my “date” took my hand and pulled me along with them.  And, on our way, she leaned in close and whispered a frightening phrase in my ear…  “I hate guys that can’t dance.”  No pressure, right?

The rest of the night was pretty much a blur.  Of course that might be for the best.  We were out there on the dance floor for a while and she didn’t ditch me so I must have done all right.  I don’t remember bumping into too many people, or smacking anyone with an arm that flailed out in a move that was uniquely all my own.  So we’ll call it a success.

There was no follow up date (though that was a mutual decision that I believe had nothing to do with my moves).  She could have been jealous of my skills…  You never know.  I’ve just got to have confidence, let loose and who cares what anyone thinks.  After all, AC/DC’s You Shook Me All Night Long just came on.  And I’m gong to belt it out, even if the window is rolled down and everyone can see and hear me at every stoplight along the way.  Because life’s way too short to hold in your swag…

 

 

Coming Up On the Next Episode…

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I know I pick on this area quite often, but that’s just because I’m still pretty new to living here in Almost West Virginia, Pennsylvania.  And my brain responds to new things through sarcasm.  Someone who’s not from around here wouldn’t be allowed to make snide comments any more than I would about Whynot, Alabama, Hackensack, New Jersey, or Sweet Lips, Tennesee.  They’re just places I’ve passed through so I don’t know enough to criticize…

But, coming up shortly, we’ll be showing our good side off to the world, as The Bachleorette will be filming an episode up at Nemacolin Woodlands, which is just a quick trip up into the mountains for those of us here who live only live at the foot of the mountains. It’s beautiful, expensive, and doesn’t look like it belongs in this area at all.  I mean, at all…  So people will see it on their television screens and think “wow, I need to take a vacation to majestic southwestern PA!”.  

But what really cracks me up is the “local” celebrity that they’re bringing onto the show.  The producers thought western Pennsylvania, and the only thing that came to mind was the Pittsburgh Steelers.  And, because the Steelers’ top player is currently on Dancing With The Stars, and their next best player just recently had a little issue with driving down a crowded street while smoking a little something special that made him giggle, they went with the next most recognizable player they could think of.  Yes…Mr. Ben Roethlisberger.  Interesting.  Now I’m not saying that he’s incapable of helping a couple of strangers find love.  But…

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That cracks me up.  Sure, he’s married now and he’s even a father, so he’s probably not the same man who had such interesting experiences a few years back.  But still…  I would think that there would be someone else who could represent this area’s idea of love a little better.  

Like, ummmm…  Well Jeff Goldblum was born in the area.  But he comes across with a bit of a creepy vibe.  Plus, would you really want part of the show sponsored by Apartments.com?  Does that send a weird message, or is it just me…? 

Okay, Andy Warhol passed away about thirty years too soon to get another 15 minutes of fame on a show like that.  Mark Cuban already has another show.  And Dan Marino might not be able to hit up one of the nice restaurants with them if he’s strictly following that Nutrisystem diet.

So instead of continuing to search through lists of famous Pittburghers who’s names I don’t even recognize, it seems that there’s just one Pittsburgh icon who would have been perfect for the job.  And could you imagine the wonderful advice he would have given while tagging along on dates…?  I’d probably even DVR that show!  It’s just too bad he’s no longer around.  So I guess we’ll have to settle for being represented by Big Ben this time around…

Mr. Fred Rogers 1928-2003

Mr. Fred Rogers 1928-2003

 

Dancing With The Political Candidates

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I don’t have the longest attention span.  I’ll admit it.  Like most Americans, I’m completely capable of mentally drifting away and toning things out when something equally as interesting is brought to my attention.  It’s become the American Way of life for all of us.

It can pertain to work, to conversations with friends and family, news, books, television shows…  The list goes on.  And, rather than complain about it or argue with you about how wrong it is or that we need to do something to fix thIs epidemic, I’m simply going to accept it and embrace it.  We need to use it in a way that makes sense – or at least provides a little entertainment value to the world around us.  By combining things that might not seem meant to go together so we can focus on a couple of things at once.  So, with that in mind, here’s what I’m suggesting…

Dancing With the Political Candidates

This would be a combination of the show Dancing With the Stars and the ongoing political bickering that seems to go on throughout the same television season.  Sure, just like all kinds of new ideas (like powdered peanut butter or Ben Affleck playing Batman), I know it sounds crazy at first. But just hear me out.

PROS:  #1 There would be no more debates.  None.  And very few people would even notice.  Do you remember when debates used to be about actual issues?  We would tune in and find out that so-and-so wanted to up defense spending by 10% while another candidate wanted to cut educational spending by 50% to allow for more spending on road signs and research to fight the itchiness caused by mosquito bites.   It helped us make a decision when we knew what they somewhat believed in.  Now, they call each other names and discuss the size of a candidate’s hands without even giving us a measurement to base it on, so what’s the point?

#2 Less spending.  The network carrying the show would provide their own advertising budget and tell us when it’s on and when to watch.  Nobody would make us feel poor by telling us that they’ve spent $20 million of their own money paying for radio ads in rural Iowa.  And no one would be calling us asking for donations either.  They’d just show us commercials and hope that we’re persuaded to buy the right cars or beer or burgers.  And, with DVR, we wouldn’t even have to watch those pesky commercials.  Ahh…technology…

CONS:  #1 Well, the talent level wouldn’t be very high, and so things could get a little dull by the end of the season.  And the creepiness factor might be a little overwhelming (like when you would see Ted Cruz looking intently at his partner while doing the Tango.  Brrrrrrr…).  Then there would be Hilary Clinton stepping all over her partner’s feet in sensible shoes while doing the Rumba in a solid-color pants suit, Donald Trump telling everyone how “great” his Paso Doble was while tweeting nasty personal remarks about the judges who all gave him 4’s, or Bernie needing a little help stopping his quick-stepping as they wheel around the stage so he doesn’t go tumbling off into the crowd.  But the show would only be on every four years, so there’s that.

#2 We’d need a lot of candidates to start with.  So that means more people who think they deserve to be president out there asking for our votes.  Senators we’ve never heard of, governors, business people, lawyers, and people who just want to get on TV.  Heck, I might even try to get on if I’d get paired up with the right professional dancer.

So I’m not saying its perfect.  But it’s got to be better than the process that we’re dealing with now.  And I’ll bet more people would actually participate in the voting process if they could do it from home, sitting on the couch and dialing a toll-free number.  Heck, the majority of people might vote more than once.  Now that would be democracy in action.

We might not end up with the best overall world leader this way.  But we’d at least have someone with the right moves…